This post first appeared on my first wordpress blog here.

Dear earthlings,

How are things up there? Still sinning I hope…eh? Anyway it has now reached a point in this good vs. evil war and I think am getting pretty good at beating you wretched beings. You know Eve wagered me I wouldn’t have a billion of her offspring by now but guess what…my gate keeper, Legion (yeah, yeah, the pig guy), called and we just hit and surpassed the target in the last hour! Ha! Ha! Ha! I never thought I’d ever say this but we are running out of torture space and it’s getting a little crowded here but no worries, the more the merrier. I must be doing a pretty good job then, and the competition seems to be slipping up eh… anybody care to answer that? Pope… Michael… anyone? I thought so.

But don’t think I haven’t any problems. Sanitation issues, congestion, slum development, demon resources (can you believe they have a union…?! I mean who would they complain to… God? For some reason I don’t think He’d be too interested), energy (my furnaces don’t run on water you know, and even if they did there’s only two bottles of Dasani in my safe. I’ll tell you about them later). I’ve tried getting you to go green but you people seem hell bent (nice one eh…?) on depleting my oil reserves and not just that, this morning I had to fire two demons (literally). They wanted air conditioning…?! Can you believe that?! The nerve on those two! The last time something like this happened, I got kicked out of heaven (yeah it exists and it’s very beautiful up there. Oh the memories…) and my buddy Mike took over the military. Anyway what I’m saying is I can feel a rebellion precipitating and who better to handle it than the king of mutiny himself? Heads will roll (once again, literally) and I will restore sanity in this place.

My latest intelligence report says that Hollywood is putting doomsday at twelve o’clock December the twenty first 2012. You know, I don’t think you can get any dumber than that. I’ve been around longer than any of you and I’ll tell you this: alcoholic’s prayer; Lord give me the strength to change the things I can, the serenity to accept those I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference (I bet you didn’t think I knew that…?).

Judgment day is coming all right, that’s a definite, but only one guy knows when and He’s not letting on. Personally I think that’s selfish but who am I to judge, right? Damn, am on fire tonight! Ha! Ha! Ha! There I go again. I’m loving this. But don’t get me wrong, I love Hollywood, they’ve single handedly got me more souls than I would care to count, maybe the Pharisees (imbeciles, made me look like a fool on Calvary) could learn a thing or two from them. Hollywood’s smart, dedicated, aggressive, creative and very suggestible. A nudge here, a wink there and presto! Gay is good! Even priests are falling for it. Moses (very angry guy, didn’t see Canaan and all…) warned you and what do you do? You spit right in his face! Do you know how long he took on those stone tablets with just a mallet and chisel? He almost lost a thumb (yeah it was me). He must be seething like a rabid wolf right now. I hope they have anger management classes up there. Kudos movie industry, our alliance is working out pretty well.

The only beef I have with Hollywood is their portrayal of me. The horns, carnivorous teeth, pointed tail, clawed feet and the three pronged fork don’t really work for me. I’ve been getting bad press for thousands of years and you’d think I’d be used to it by now but my self esteem is closely tied with my physical appeal and am nothing near that ghastly image. I am very handsome you know, Delilah says I look like Joseph, and we all know how he drove Pontifah’s missus bananas, my bad. But I did it just for fun. Those days were very boring, after the floods and the stalling of project Babel there wasn’t much a guy could do here. Wait, why am I apologizing for doing my job? I really have to stop that, my PR guy says this is a sign of weakness.

About week ago I met with Cain. Can you believe the guy still treads the earth! I know am supposed to be cold hearted and all but this guy just got it real bad. I remember that beautiful early morning when he woke up an hour early (he wasn’t the early bird type) so he could give back his ten percent then God tells him he couldn’t care less about the wheat and nduma. Now that got Cain seething with rage and enter Lucifer. I have this neat trick where I help to redirect the anger to someone and next thing I knew the grim reaper handled his first job and Abel could take his stuffed lamb straight to the angels for all I care. Ever since, Cain hasn’t been very friendly, I wonder why…?

Now politicians, what can I say? A masterpiece, absolutely wonderful. A crowning jewel of my very evil genius. Outsourcing some of their services is reaping me huge dividends. Now I can even afford to pull out half of my demon squad around elections and watch my very own Frankenstein monster at its best. Jews, Rwandans and Kenyans can confirm this.

I remember when Je… no, the son of Man triumphantly entered Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. Everyone was out there singing, shouting and waving just about anything they could get their hands on. The guy was sitting up there on his donkey looking all royal and feeling good about himself but I had a plan, big plan. Oh I always have a plan and this one was particularly special.

So I got a few of the Sadducee’s and Pharisees together, discreetly of course and suggested a little divide and rule and they took it. I love this method. Just get a few jingoistic, narrow minded ‘leaders’ together, wind them up with a little tension and let them go. Boy, do they are super effective. In under a week, everyone in the capital city was baying for Jesus’ blood. One week! You have got to respect that. Of course he did help a little, trashing the market and all; such things don’t help sway public opinion your way you know.

Well that’s it for now, I have to leave; it’s Friday night and people throw themselves at me on this night.

Yours hatefully,

Lucifer B. Satan